I Did 23 and Me and Now Every Former or Aspiring Criminal in My Family Tree is Forever Screwed
All this recent ugliness about “sending people back where they came from” makes me think about my recent news, courtesy of 23 and Me DNA sequencing, about where I “came from.” Turns out, not where my family has always thought we came from. It is not really much of an issue as we were never really raised to think of ourselves as anything but Americans. However, we were raised believing we were of Germanic descent and the reality is that we are almost entirely British. Of the small remaining part, I am probably as much French as German. So I now feel much better about the role of those with whom I share most of my DNA in the most heinous crimes of the last century and much less confident about their ability to win a World Cup in this one. In any event, this newfound kinship with people I do not know has given me inspiration to let all of my relatives, near and distant, know something potentially much more directly relevant: if you committed a crime in the past where you might have left some form of bodily fluid, you’re probably screwed.
You see, getting your DNA tested means that anyone in your family tree can now be tracked, or soon be tracked, to a crime scene where DNA was collected. Just ask the notorious 72 year old ex-cop now known to be the Golden State Killer who was caught through the DNA sequencing of a distant relative. The poor guy could never have predicted that technology only available decades later would shine a bright light on his dark soul. However, I knew it full well when I ordered the DNA kit, and, if there is some form of dark criminal in my lineage, living or dead, I feel no guilt about exposing them.
This also means that I waiving my own option to decide to be a criminal in the future. Just a drop of blood spilled at the scene or some skin under a fingernail would be more damning than any fingerprint I could leave. So that’s the thing that probably bears a little more thought for others because I have also waived the same option for all my other living relatives and our collective descendants. Even if we don’t know we are related, I have voted your proxy for yourself and your descendants. Apologies, but whether you are inclined to spit on a sidewalk in Singapore in the future, or something much more untoward, my DNA sample will probably do you in. Just something to keep in mind. Oh, and by the way, if you are not related to me and you have done something illegal where your DNA was left behind, or are inclined to do something of that sort, be advised that someone closely or distantly related to you has probably sent their kit to a DNA sequencing company as well. Child molesters, rapists and murders should start waiting for that front door to come down in the middle of the night. As for aspiring felons, it is not quite Minority Report technology, but just as an old man in California thought he was in the clear, you will never be safe. You see, where you come from has nothing to do with whether you are an American, but it might soon reveal the innermost content of your soul.
